Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You’re the human equivalent of smashing the “send” button before proofreading. Always in a rush, always dramatic, and somehow always the loudest in the group chat. Chill. Not everything is a competition.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Honestly, your vibe screams “Can’t talk, busy.” You’re either cuddling your blanket, online shopping, or fighting with customer service because you “deserve better.” Spoiler: Not every argument is worth your energy.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Pick. A. Personality. One minute, you’re everyone’s bestie, and the next, you’re ghosting faster than a Snapchat streak ends. Your attention span is like a goldfish in a rave—calm down.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
The group crybaby, but also the one who will threaten to block you on Instagram if you ignore their texts. Your soft heart is cute, but those mood swings? Whew. Take a nap, sweetie.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Congrats, your selfie did NOT need 47 hashtags. You’re basically a walking Instagram filter, desperate for compliments but also pretending you’re so unbothered. We see through you, drama queen.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Your browser has 86 tabs open because you NEED everything to be perfect. Relax, you’re not saving the world by reorganizing your iHeart Radio playlist for the tenth time. Also, stop judging everyone.
Libra (September 23 - October 22)
You couldn’t make a decision if your life depended on it. Like, which is more important—your aesthetic or actually showing up on time? Either way, you’re gonna charm your way out of the drama. Again.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Congratulations, you’re the villain of everyone’s story. Mysterious, sure, but also kind of terrifying. Stop lurking in the shadows like you’re auditioning for a Netflix thriller. We get it, you’re intense.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Commitment? You don’t know her. Your vibes scream “Let’s book a spontaneous trip,” but also “I forgot to pack.” Can you, like, sit still for five minutes?
Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)
CEO of being overworked and under-fun. Your idea of “relaxing” is making a to-do list for your vacation. Also, that superiority complex? Cute, but exhausting. Loosen up, grandpa.
Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)
We get it, you’re quirky. You think you’re the main character in some indie movie, but in reality, you’re just overthinking your latest tweet. Your uniqueness is valid; your detachment? Not so much.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Your vibe is “emo kid who never left their Tumblr phase.” Sweet and dreamy, but also lost in your feelings 24/7. Cry it out, babe, but stop texting your ex. You deserve better.